I struggle with the verse that tells me to “count it all joy.” I know what Paul meant. And half the time I get it, but when I am smack dab in the middle of the goo, it’s tough to remember his point. Last night I woke up several times with the thought, “God, I don’t know what you are doing.” Then I would fall back to sleep. This morning, so early in the summer morning, I woke with the same thought. “Lord, I don’t know what you are doing.” Then, I tried to pray because it’s a good idea when you want to understand and hear from God, that you take a second to listen after you pose sentiments like mine.
I have interviewed for a full-time teaching position with several schools in Boise. I feel this school district is not only a great fit for my kids, but my teaching styles and philosophies seem to align perfectly- so much so, the principals laugh a little when I tell them my preferred lesson plan model is a mix between two: Madeline Hunter and SIOP. They say, “that’s funny. That’s exactly what we use now. The district chose the best of both, and it works great so far.” Yah. I think so too.
But instead of getting hired at the end of each interview, I get a call some time later saying the same exact phrase. “You are such a strong candidate, but…” And they let me down easy. To add to the fun, my teaching job for the school year has ended, and I am bringing in a few hundred a month with Pampered Chef, but not enough to cover the bills. The cherry on top? We just lost a significant paycheck from my husband’s severance pay. “Lord, I don’t know what you are doing.”
But maybe I do. Maybe I know God wants to give me a job close to home, instead of 45 minutes away. Maybe he wants to save me money in car upkeep and gas, and allow me to use that drive time to actually BE with my family. Maybe he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Maybe HE knows the plans he has for me. Maybe he knows I am seeking my security on the knowledge of landing a teaching job next year. (insert disappointed in myself face).
“All other ground is sinking sand.”
So, today, I am thankful that even though the devil tries to mess with my mind and security, I do not lean on him. I fully lean on Jesus’ name.
I am thankful I have someone as capable as God, and that I don’t have to believe the devil if I don’t want to.
I am thankful that I have an education that will one day land me a rad job.
I am thankful that I have a summer of hanging out with my kids and raising them to be the coolest kids in town.
I am thankful that GOD knows the plans he has for me and I need not fret.
I am thankful that God does not hand out demeaning head pats when I am repeatedly doubtful. Instead he hugs me closer.