Break Ups

 I’ve spent the week being unpleasantly surprised, perked up and encouraged followed by a swift punch to the gut. 

But isn’t that usual? It’s always typical after you start to make some headway or God asks something of you, and you say yes. 
I’ve said yes to about eleven things lately. So naturally fear has attempted to lay claim to my psyche. Let’s not even mention my heart, my mental stamina, and my intestines. I’m stressed, and the only good thing that can come of it is my favorite jeans might soon fit me again. Worth it? I think no. 
This weekend, I am fighting back with my thoughts (by speaking God’s truth), my actions (by driving to Sacramento and going to a Joyce Meyer convention), and my words (here. With all of you. Just a few of my favorite people). 
Last night, Joyce said she wrote a new book. What’s new? That lady pops them out like I popped out babies in the first decade of 2,000. I have yet to read one that isn’t great. Keep it up sister. In her latest book, she writes a letter to fear. She pulls a Kevin McCallister and screams at the preverbial furnace and shouts, “Did you hear me!!? I’m NOT afraid anymore!” 
And because recent events have threatened my peace, I’m doin it, too. 
Here goes:
Dear furnace in the basement-er, dear fear,
I wish you were a furnace in my basement. Something I could take a quarter-pipe to and dent forever. I could use an electrical drill on your vital parts. Piece meal you bit by bit until you were disassembled and strewn about the yard for the neighbors to see. But you aren’t brave enough for that. 
You parade around in our lives like you have some sort of power, as if you have a say in anything we do. Anything I do. 
You whisper and point and attempt to draw out insecurities. 
But you aren’t even brave enough to be an animated or inanimate object. It seems you’re more scared of yourself than I am scared of you after all. It’s a terrible place to live to be afraid of ones own shadow. 
So, I just thought you should know, I’m breaking up with you. I know. It. Just. Hurts. And not in a good way. (You’re sick by the way). But there just isn’t room for three of us. I’m not going anywhere, and I’ve just remembered God isn’t going anywhere either. He won’t. He can’t. He promised. And that’s not an empty word to him like it is for some people. 
You haven’t the stamina for this road I am on. Remember, you had this road, but you chose the basement. 
Meanwhile, I am out for a pleasure cruise in eel infested waters, and I’m about to take an excursion. I’ve stepped out of the boat. Before you get too excited, remember I am not alone. I will continue to look in the eye of my maker. The one who loves me more than I love myself most days. 
I sense you’re getting agitated. Just relax. You have no authority here. Maybe you’ll find someone who is better suited for you. 
But we have to break up. 
It’s not me. It’s you. 
You suck. 
Most Sincerely, 
The Girl Who’s Not Afraid of You Anymore
Today, I reread a passage in Jennie Allen’s book Anything. She was quoting a fella she knows, and he was talking about what he would do if he was the devil. Sound scary? Wait till you read it. 
It’s called “If I Were The Devil”:
If I were the devil, Id tell you what I’d do. I would try to deceive you and get you into error. I would get you off base. And if you still stayed true, I would try to disqualify you. I would get you immoral. I would get you where no one would believe what came out of your mouth. I would make you a tabloid, where nobody would believe you. I would remove your confidence until you were afraid to speak because your life was such a shamble. I would get you into sin. I would prowl like a roaring lion to devour you morally. 
And if I couldn’t do that, I would try to make you successful. And I would dristract you if I couldn’t disqualify. I would get you busy. I would get you so distracted to the gospel that no longer would your prayers be about holiness and souls. They would only be about the bottom line on your business. 
I would get you materialistic, and no longer concerned about the spiritual nature of life. If I couldn’t do that, I would divide you. If I couldn’t divide you, a I’ve almost lost you. You know what I would do then? I’d discourage you. And then if I couldn’t discourage you, I’d try death. I would try my best to kill you. That’s what I would do to take you out. 

After I read this for the first time, and picked my jaw up off the table, I went through what I can only describe as the seven stages of grief. Only it wasnt grief. It was beside-myself-ness. I was speechless, angry, offended, understanding, and all done being a pawn. Ok, that’s only five stages, but the sentiment is the same. 
I’m done with leaving the winner’s trophy in victory circle waiting to be collected by its rightful owner. I AM its rightful owner. I’m not sitting around waiting to see what scheme the devil has next. I’m staying the course.